PET PEEVE – BICYCLES ON THE SIDEWALK…

This one makes me INSANE.  I get to a point where I understand what it is to crush another human beings bones between your own hands.  Here in Toronto it has been asked by City Hall that the Police enforce bicycles NOT being on the sidewalk and yet this AM, I run into this fun parody.  You are walking every so pleasantly down the side WALK (the name even says it you dumb fuck – its not a side bike, a side WALK – hence why they gave up a perfectly good lane of traffic for a BIKE LANE), but I digress, and then some asshole comes wiggling by on his $50 find of a bicycle that he has tried to pimp by adding a new coat of paint and an updated milk carton in the back for his organic produce.  These societal outcasts have to wiggle because you can never get going fast enough on the sidewalk to even make it worth while, but they still have to try.  Barely moving – taking up three times the size of a regular human being and without a care in the world.  I’ll give you a fucking care when I stick my umbrella in your spokes and take great pleasure in watching you fly over the handlebars into on-coming traffic – then you will re-consider that whole bike helmet thing when some young hipster runs you over on their Vespa (which I also hate, but at least they are on the GD road).  There is very little that can make me as angry as this – except bitches with their strollers who also think they own the sidewalk because they have a spawn of satan that clawed its way out of that festering womb to grace us with its blood curdling presence.  And if you have more than one child in a stroller – you do not exist in my world.  I pretend that you are a fairy and that only I can see you and then I feel better.  My doctor just told me to go to my happy place…..bikes on the sidewalk…jesus…..

PET PEEVE – Anti Smokers

There are few things I hate.  But these people definitely make my list.  Seeing as I am quitting smoking, now may be my last chance to post this pet peeve.  PEOPLE WHO HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO DO WITH THEIR LIVES BUT HATE SMOKERS!  This truly is my choice to smoke – thank you, you may not chose to do it, but I do not chose to wear that hideous shade of purple either.  Have we not figured out that mentally, when a human being is made to think something is horribly wrong or that people HATE that – we do it.  Especially me, I would take up smoking just to piss these people off – I would smoke 43 cigarettes together just to look at these cocksuckers and smile.   Have you noticed, I have a little anarchic child residing in my heart?  I love him dearly, I treat him better than I would my own children.  DO NOT make a big deal of people smoking.  Unless they light up a cigarette and blow the second hand smoke directly into your lungs via a hole in your chest – this is your problem – NOT theirs.  Pretty much all over the world you can no longer smoke in restaurants and bars – and that is smart – second hand smoke is bad and if you chose to have a habit that is dangerous to others, you should have to take it elsewhere.  Kate Moss takes cocaine and heroin in a back alley – not at the tea room in the Savoy – respectable!  But I was at a mall recently, where the ENTIRE property was no smoking, including the parking lot – WTF?  I was more than 200 feet away from any entrance – tucked away in a little back corner with a paper bag over my head and the security found me -asked me to leave.  Which after much debate with him, I realized I was done my cigarette – I had won.  I finished my cigarette while debating with this idiot, rent-a-cop about how stupid this rule is.  Then comes the health care aspect of it – why should my taxes go to help your lung cancer that you brought on?  Sit down and listen up fucker – why should I pay for your healthcare because you decided fast food was more necessary than oxygen and that mayo is a drink?  You have now suffered three heart attacks because you weigh roughly one half metric ton and my smoking is bad?  Why am I paying for liver transplants because Cookie didn’t put down the vodka bottle long enough to breathe?  Why are people dying from lung cancer when they never smoked a day in their lives?  Toxic fumes from factories?  Vehicles?  Your plastic bags?  You don’t get to put that on smokers.  Smokers know it is a stupid habit – we get that, but we chose to do it.  So unless I am putting smokes in 3 year old childrens little hands and taking away their Tonka truck – shut the fuck up – you’re a hypocrite and that in itself is a pet peeve.  And for the record – those children and limp dicks on the pack of my cigarettes that is supposed to keep me from smoking are doing the opposite.  Deep down inside I am a little happy that their mother is smoking beside them and although I smoked a lot, my penis has never had a problem getting excited…just a thought…

PET PEEVE – Expectant Mother Parking

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Oh Fuck – here we go.  Before I even get started I am going to say it – I will not accept retorts to this post that say – ‘because you are a man’.  This could quite possibly be deemed as sexist, but its not intended that way, so if it does come off as such, put down your feminist placard, shave your armpits (as I do)  and listen with an open ear for a minute.  Why do we have expectant mother parking?  It just doesn’t quite make sense to me.  We have handicapped parking for people with disabilities because that makes sense.  You are missing a leg?  Cool – we as a society have decided that you get a closer parking spot because the one leg you do have deserves a rest every once in a while.  We do not have ancient, you are on your way to the grave, old people parking spots or veterans parking spots (for people who actually did something EXTREMELY meaningful for society) or really fat obese people parking spots for people who have decided that Mcdonalds and Crisco are food groups, so how do we decide it is ok to cater to pregnant women?  I am not saying that pregnant women do not deserve respect or help or societal support – because you have to go through something I highly respect you for and am extremely thankful that the powers that be, gave me a penis; because the very thought of pushing a football sized figure through any hole in my body hurts my brain A LOT.  So why?  You didn’t do anything exceptional to get pregnant.  You really are not bettering society in anyway, nor have you done anything to enhance society.  Your child will probably turn out to be a spoiled little brat with a speech impediment, that bites other children at 8 year old birthday parties – so why do you get to park closer?  Is exercise not good for a pregnant woman?  If you are going to spend the day walking around a mall or grocery store – why the fuck can’t you walk an extra 3 parking spaces?  As well, there is no limit on HOW pregnant you have to be – someone that got knocked up yesterday and can feel her lovers sperm eating its way through the exterior of her eggs should NOT get to park closer – a woman who is the size of a small barge – sure, I can accept that.  But I think the only way that we can regulate this is to have someone who conducts pregnancy tests on site, at the parking space, to test the level of pregnancy – PH level over 6?  Park.  Under 6?  Walk.  Does this sound ridiculous?  Expectant Mother Parking sounds ridiculous to me…  Maybe I am a prick – quite possibly – maybe I should write a post on people like me who are loud and obnoxious and talk about things they will never experience as a pet peeve, but for the record,  I always park my car far from the entrance door because I have perfectly functioning limbs and could use the walk.  If I can take public transportation or my feet I do in order to cut down on Global Warming.  Just something to think about…

PET PEEVES – GOD. (that was a period)

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REASON?  God and Reason in the same sentence?  Yup – I said it.  I have had this blog for a couple weeks now so I can bring out the big guns – GOD.  Little bit of a pet peeve of mine.  This post should either make or break my blog – but given the nature of my previous posts, I doubt I have a whole lot of bible thumpin, wafer eating, blood drinking, christians on my hands – or god forbid, Jehovah’s.  Haha – I am by no means an athiest, because that would mean that I actually gave a shit about Christianity.  I need everyone right now – regardless of race, creed, religion, sexual orientation, etc to stay with me on this thought.  What the fuck is this God thing about?  Why are we fighting for him and killing our own people?  Why are we giving him money instead of the starving poor of the world?  The reason its a pet peeve is because people are using it as a crutch.  Feel as though you are buying your salvation, or looking out for the bad you might do tomorrow.  FUCK THAT.   You can’t do something because an fictitious old dude in a bath robe, some sandals and a long beard that he should have cut long ago, says that you cannot.  OR – the worst, when religy’s (pronounced REE-Li-GEE’s – just made it up) actually do something but then feel horrendous about it – like the first time you had sex and you were not married and it was not everything it was cracked up to be because you ended up having to fuck the dude whose lip and nose – meet ever so slightly, because the QB of the football team dumped a load in you last weekend and hasn’t looked at you since and now you think you are pregnant and are looking ever so abashedly at that flight of stairs.  Anyways, then they become ‘born again virgins’ or whatever friggin shit that means because God has forgiven them for their slutty sins.  Thats when I don’t like God.  He has limits on who he loves or accepts – thats why I think its kind of fun NOT to accept him.  Thanks for coming out Christ, but unfortunately today I have enough friends.  Sorry about the whole cross thing, but it wasn’t my sins for which you died – PS, I write the lists fucker – don’t give me your 10 Do’s and Dont’s.  I could care less what people believe or use in their everyday lives in order to gain strength because I believe we all have a spirituality, but don’t you DARE throw down some term like God in order to defend your actions, thoughts or beliefs all the while holding your pompous Christian nose in the GD air and stomp all over my beliefs because I live in reality and chose NOT to follow a bunch of blind sheep into emotional turmoil and hell, when on your death bed you come to the realization that I had a much better life and yours was, well……religious…..good on ya, bet you wish you could have had your first time back – eh?

PEt PeEveS…

grammar.jpg You did not think that I was done with my pet peeves for the week – did you?  Sadly mistaken… So, I received an email today from what I thought to be an illiterate child of about 5 years of age with significant brain damage likely caused by his mother throwing him down the stairs because he wouldn’t eat his fucking broccoli.  In fact, it was from a professional male of about the age of 40.  It was the most poorly written, grammatically incorrect piece of fuckin shit I have ever read.  Seriously, I had to get out my Inspector Gadget, secret decoder ring to try and get through it.  It hAd DiffEREnt CaSEs, used words like “witch” instead of “which” and was missing very significant links, such as, nouns and verbs. EX: “I No that we disGUst choice of topic butt not nemore.”  That was an actual excerpt – and he was not an immigrant – has is a 100% WASP.   PLEASE – if you are going to call yourself a professional, actually, HUMAN – have the decency to read your email at least once.  Any child who has been out of the womb longer than a week would have been able to help this poor fucker on his plight of grammatical ignorance.  I am not so offended by short forms like lol, ttyl or gr8, but even those have their place and time.  Figure it out dipshit, and I seriously hope that I included you on the mass email I sent out about this blog and one day you check it and realize “oh shit, that was me”.  On that day I expect a phone call in which you will apologize profusely with terms you identified from Webster’s Dictionary.  I am currently working on the bible of email etiquette – look for it shortly on Societal Sickness.PS – the topic of the email was “Second Draft”  You know who the fuck you are…… 

WALK YOUR ASS UPSTAIRS!

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I have determined that I could do an entire blog on pet peeves and the stupidity that is humanity.  So, how many times has this happened to you – AND DON’T LIE.  You are in an elevator, you get on at Floor 1 – probably going somewhere above Floor 5 and beyond.  Now, it’s not somebody sneezing, it’s not somebody’s ugly baby crying the entire ride and it’s not somebody invading your personal space – even though you are the only two people in the friggin’ car (although those are all perfectly good examples of pet peeves), it is the person – often in shape, and a young energetic go-getter – ughh, who gets on at the 2nd Floor and ever so bashfully pushes the 3rd Floor button, then tries to smile at the rest of the crowd.  FUCK THAT – you beckoned this elevator to go up one fuckin floor?  For real?  Meanwhile, everyone in the elevator exchanges glances and understands your fat-ass laziness and hopes to Christ that the elevator does not stop because you would be the first sacrifice.  NOW, before you get all up in arms and start emailing, there are perfectly good examples of when this is allowed.  For instance, a woman or a man for that matter (Societal Sickness is an equal opportunity blog) enters the elevator with a scrawny, ugly, buck toothed child clinging to the right leg while they try to hold the mangy fuckin dog they rescued from the animal shelter last month around his left wrist – which no doubt they named some stupid name like an American State or a place they will never get to go because they got knocked up at 21 and will live the rest of their lives saving money to put that ungrateful child through life, but I digress.  In the right hand is the daily mail and the keys to the apartment and in the left hand is the cure for cancer.  Perfectly good example of someone who should get away with the ‘one floor ride’.  That and anyone with a peg leg, of course, who is gonna trash-mouth someone with a peg leg?  Even I am not that crude…If you are guilty of the ‘one floor ride’ – STOP IT – and think of this blog next time you are stuck in that situation.

I WISH YOU WERE HANDI-CAPPED…

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One of my biggest pet peeves is people who walk up to a doorway with two perfectly functioning arms and legs and go out of their way to walk to the side and hit the handi-capped button and then wait an additional 10 secs while the door opens up and they proceed through.  All the while, society behind them has backed up and are running into each other because the person up ahead was too fucking lazy to use their hands and open the god damn door.  I think we should engineer some form of mechanism for people like this.  If you are not handi-capped and you use this button, an arm should reach out break both of your arms then proceed down your torso breaking every one of your ribs until it arrives at your legs which it should snap like twigs and leave you a ruined crumpled mass of shit on the ground.  I would then walk up behind you and kick your body out of the way in order to make room for the woman in the wheelchair behind me, because you see, she needed the button.  If you are guilty of this – please stop ASAP.  Lets be honest, most of you could use the extra caloric output…